The gift that doesn't keep on giving

Recently, my wife and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. I won’t get into the specifics of how we spent the momentous occasion, other than to say that we were in a car on a long road trip with our two kids in the back. You’re probably thinking that I had some type of dubious vendetta against my wife. I assure you that neither one of us had intentions of driving across two states, but too often life’s calendar does not align with our own. The countless hours on the road did allow me the time to reflect on our marriage and evolution. I tried to remember the special occasions through the years, like anniversaries and birthdays. Of course memories can become convoluted, especially when every neuron you’re using is needed to keep up with two young kids. However while reminiscing, I did recall one indisputable fact through all of these years. You are only as good as your last gesture. That is a fact.

Partners are not like a resort hotel staff, where you give a big tip at your arrival and you’re set for the entire stay. And while your memory may be muddied, theirs is crystal clear. Before I fall too far down this rabbit hole, I should state for purposes of avoiding the couch becoming a permanent sleeping arrangement, my wife has already achieved sainthood status by putting up with me. She’s an incredibly talented, passionate and loving individual who has blessed my life and provided me with two beautiful children. And no number of gestures would suffice for what she has already given me.

With that said, I have hit home runs and I have struck out badly. I’m a guy so inherently we make poor decisions. When your wife is pregnant, you don’t buy them new tennis shoes for Christmas, regardless if they need them. You might as well buy them a vacuum for all of the free time they will have home on maternity leave. The good news is that we are trainable. And there are three key concepts that I have uncovered. Hopefully this can be useful to any new relationship or even long-time couples.

1. Don’t swing for the fences in your first at bat. I can’t emphasize this enough. If you remember nothing else throughout this post, this will at least give you a foundation. Don’t fall victim to the honeymoon stage of a new relationship and do something foolish, unless of course you plan to remain consistent throughout. You have just set the bar. Every act of affection following this first gesture will be compared. It’s important to note that individually we all have different thresholds in regards to our generosity, so be mindful of yours. This is not a suggestion in any way to set your bar so low there are no expectations. Chances are you will be alone in that scenario. What I am saying is if you really like or love the person, treat it like a marathon. The amount of thought and preparation that goes into a long-distance run should be similar to the thought you put into that first gift (and each following one).

2. Never discount an anniversary or birthday. If you’re anything like me, it’s just another day, but this does not hold true for your partner. Completely ignore anything they might suggest that it’s really no big deal. That’s code for do not screw this up. Trust me, even the most selfless partner does not want to be forgotten on the anniversary of when they were brought into this life.

3. This one’s really important. Know their size for everything. Trust me, this has bitten me in the backside more than once. It doesn’t matter how nice those winter boots are when they don’t fit. Understand that the gesture is lost when after years of being with someone you can’t even remember his or her shoe size. There is one exception to the rule of course. When it comes to clothing always err on the smaller side. Under no circumstances do you buy them a size larger than what they are currently wearing. I don’t care if it looks like it would be more comfortable. You’ve just taken the situation to Defcon One. In fact, if you can just stay away from clothing altogether it would probably be prudent.

In all transparency, I have followed none of these concepts at times throughout my marriage. Putting them down on paper could perhaps be the glue needed for it to stick permanently. There have been times that I have spoiled my wife, but what I’ve realized is you cannot just rest on those moments. And not because she’s in my ear asking what I have done for her lately, but because anything that’s important in your life should be a constant priority. Take the time. I’ve been so busy at work sometimes that I’ve allowed myself the latitude of dismissing special occasions. What an idiot. Sure, employment provides an income, allowing us to live a particular lifestyle. But it’s important to find a balance, reminding us that when we give everything to our work, we have nothing left for the family waiting for us at home. Take the time and you may find a sincere gesture is the best gift you can give yourself.